


Dreams

by akamenashi



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, KAT-TUN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Murder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 08:41:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5284163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akamenashi/pseuds/akamenashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jin is still haunted by his past, to move on, he must take a trip down the memory lane to uncover why his close friends from high school abandoned him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> So I read colorless tsukuru by haruki murakami and got inspired.

Akanishi Jin, 34, is a successful business owner of a recording label. He’s had many relationships throughout his life but none of them lasted. Right now, he’s meeting with a wonderful, beautiful woman, whom he likes. He hopes to marry her. He had always wanted a family with two kids and a big house. They could go on a camping trip together as a family. Kuroki Meisa is a singer under his label whom he has met during her first album celebration party. They hit it off right away and have been dating for two years. Jin likes Meisa, she is smart, beautiful, and fun to be around. 

“Are you serious about us?” She asked, her dark eyes staring straight at him.

“Of course.” He replied. Everything felt right. This is the most serious he has ever been in a relationship, yet, how could she think he isn’t taking things seriously?

“Did I give off a different impression?”   
She twirled the red wine in her glass and took a sip of it before answering.

“I think you’re holding back, like you can’t really be honest with me. I need us to be able to talk about anything before we move on.” Jin tilted his head, as if asking her to explain more.

“Did you have any trauma?” She addressed the question and took a bite of the salad. Jin looked at his own plate of steak and suddenly lost the appetite. He could only think of one thing. 

In his sophomore year of college, he had depression. He was on the verge of suicide. That happened because he was banished from his group of six high school close friends. There was Yamashita Tomohisa, or as they called him, Yamap. He was the most popular kid. He was good looking, had a great personality, was good at sports, and had good grades. Then there was Nishikido Ryo; he always had a witty remark and sarcastic sense of humor, although he could be really blunt at times. Nakamaru Yuichi was the most reserve in their group. He studied meticulously and had the highest grade. He was always calm and kept the group out of trouble. Another guy was Koki Tanaka. He was most famous for being the school’s delinquent. He was always cheerful and fun to be around. Then there was Kamenashi Kazuya, a small, thin, well-mannered kid. He was a captain of the baseball team and was especially pleasant to be around. Jin has always remembered Kazuya as a guy everyone admired. The juniors looked up to him and all their mums were his fan. Kazuya treated everyone nicely. Jin was the trouble making, lazy kid. He had no interest for school and only came to be on the soccer team.

The six of them were really close. It was weird because they all have personalities that seemed to clash. By sheer coincidence, they all did volunteer work, taking care of orphan kids, at the same place and had stick together since then. Everyone had plans to stay in Chiba, their hometown, after high school graduation, except Jin. He wanted to go to Tokyo and pursue a career in music. He wanted to produce music since he was young. It was only natural for him to go to a big city where he could expand his talent. Yamap got into a private university in Chiba to study business. Ryo went to College of Arts to study English literature. Yuichi studied engineering at Chiba university. He could have gone to Tokyo University, but instead chose to stay here. It was the same with Yamap and Ryo, who could have gone to Meiji or Keio in Tokyo. Koki went to technical school to study fashion design. He loved sewing and had a unique sense of fashion, so there was no surprise that was koki’s path in life. Kame wanted to go into national baseball league, but an accident during senior year of high school prevented him from playing baseball anymore and he decided to enroll in communication arts at a private university. When Jin told them about his plans they all accepted it and encouraged him sincerely. When he came to Tokyo alone, he made some friends, but none of them as close as these five. A part of it was because he already had them, like a home, and he did not feel the need to open up to these new friends and try to meet new people. Every break and holiday, he always came back to Chiba and meet up with his friends.

It was not until one winter, it was Christmas break, of his sophomore year in college, that he went back and could contact none of his close friends in that group. He called their cell phones and house number many times, none of them answered their cells and his friends’ parents at home just said they were out. He waited and felt so anxious he hardly ate or slept. That night, he had a dream. He dreamed of Kame, lying in bed with him. Kame had an orange hair jut like in high school, his brown eyes as radiant as ever. He caressed Jin’s body and Jin realized suddenly that they were both naked. Kame sucked his nipples and took Jin’s already erected penis into his mouth. His thin pink lips enveloping Jin’s penis made him felt extremely good. When he came, Kame sucked all his semen and swallowed them. Jin woke up with a ring from his cellphone. He looked at the phone and saw the name was Ryo.

“Don’t contact us anymore,” was all his friend said. Jin, just waking up from that strange dream and facing this message from Ryo was in utter shock.

“All of you? Why?” He managed a weak response.

“Look, all of us agreed this is for the best and you should know the reason yourself.” Jin didn’t. For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out why. However, his brain wasn’t functioning and he was somehow afraid to find out the truth. 

“Ok. I won’t call you guys anymore.” It was all he said and Ryo hung up first. He put the phone down and noticed that his pant was stained. 

He immediately went back to Tokyo, all the time trying to figure out what he did wrong but nothing came up. He also tried to suppress that dream about Kame he had. It was very graphic, and the feeling was surreal. Above all, he had never been this rejected in his life, he wanted to die. However, the thought of making more music was the only thing that kept him going and he eventually grew pass that phase. The only thing still bothering him was that he had sexual dreams about Kame more and more often. It also grew more and more violent. It started that night in Chiba when Kame gave him a blowjob, and it changed to them rubbing their groins together and came. Recently, it was him entering Kame and it was painful for Kame every time because he never done this before. In his dream, Kame cried and begged him to stop, that it hurts him, but Jin just kept on going and he finished inside Kame every time. He raped Kame in his sleep almost every night. He started to think that he must be gay, but he was never attracted to any other males. Jin’s dream about Kame was gone, however, when he started going out and have sexual relations with women. He had proved that no, he isn’t gay because he likes having sex with women and this made him stop dreaming about Kame. The moment he lacked any relationship or sexual activity however, he started dreaming about Kame again and this is why he was always in a relationship. Eventually he met Meisa, someone whom he really liked.

“So, you had an emotional trauma because your high school friends rejected you back then?” She concluded after he explained about his five friends and how it led to him having depression, leaving out the details about his sexual dreams of Kame, of course. He nodded.

“Why don’t you go back and ask them why they shut you off like that? Don’t you want to know?”

“It’s been more than ten years, I don’t need to know anymore.” He sighed, reaching for more wine and realized his glass was already empty.

“You’re drinking a lot tonight.” She said and poured him more wine.

“I think you’re afraid to find out the truth.”

“Maybe.”

“But you need to go see them and face what really happened or we can’t go on with this relationship.” She was firm in her decision, her words strong and confident. She was right. He needed to sort out this feeling he has before he can commit to any relationship seriously. Maybe it was time to finally move on.

“I’ll find out about their whereabouts right now and go visit them.” 

“You do that.” She grinned. Jin noticed the gold earrings she wore were his present a few weeks ago.

.

The good thing about being his own boss is that Jin could have a more flexible schedule. For example, he could take this spontaneous trip to Chiba. After Jin graduated from college, he found a job working for Avex as producer assistant. He spent his night working as a DJ and he later became the producer at Avex. He wasn’t happy with his job, since he disliked following the company’s rules and guidelines, he was a free spirit at heart and liked doing things at his own pace. With the help of many people he knew in the music industry, as well as many artists he has been writing songs for, he managed to build his own record label company. At first it was very small with ten to twenty employees but now grew almost as big as Avex. Jin still produces music, but most of his time was spent on overseeing the company. He would love to immense himself in producing music again, but he was also content with the way things are right now. He actually managed to have a well off life, living in one of the most prestige apartment in the heart of Tokyo and owns a Porsche and a Lamborghini. 

He stepped off the platform and saw his younger brother, Reio, waiting for him outside the train station. It’s been more than five years since he last visit his home and saw his family.

 

.

First, he went to see Ryo, whom he found out, had become a senior editor at a publishing company. He imagined Ryo’s grumpy looking face in a suit and smiled. He didn’t know if Ryo would welcome him, but he decided that he would go to see his friend without any warning, so he could get the truth out of him.

The building Ryo works in was huge, he waited as the woman at the reception desk said Ryo is in a meeting and will be available in no more than fifteen minutes. She then led him to Ryo’s room, which is at the far end of the corridor. As soon as they met eye contact, Ryo broke into huge grin. 

“Jin. Haven’t talked to you in forever, fucker.” Ryo greeted naturally as if nothing had changed between them, as if he didn’t ask Jin to leave the group alone. Jin managed back a weak smile, still confused.

“Nishi-Ryo. It’s nice to see you doing well.” He observed the spacious room filled with stacks of paper. On his desk was a photo of him and his family; Ryo had two sons, and a good-looking wife. He sensed Jin looking at his photo and tapped it lightly.

“I married right after college, we were in the same class. She was a French literature major. My two sons are attending elementary school now. How about you?”

“Still single.”

“Enjoying your bachelor life, I see.”

“I actually want to settle down already.” He confessed. 

“I get it, but when you finally do, you’ll miss your single life. I’m not saying being married is bad or anything; I love my family and my life right now. Anyway, you seem to be doing well yourself, bakanishi.” That nickname made both of them burst out laughing. Ryo was exactly the same, the way he talks, his short height, and his voice; only he seemed to get tanner and thinner.

“It’s nothing much.” Jin replied. Then they both went silent and laughed again.

“Why are you here really?” Ryo finally asked.

“It’s about what happened that winter, when you told me to never contact all of you again.” He explained and watched as Ryo’s expression changed.

“I want to know exactly why you said that. I thought about it and couldn’t think of a single thing that I did wrong to make you guys hate me like that.”

“So you still don’t know…I suppose I should just say it then. Kame told us you raped him.” The words sank into Jin. That only happened in his dreams; it could not have been real.

“I didn’t do it.” 

“I figured. You couldn’t have. I couldn’t believe you were gay, I mean, I get it Kame is a pretty guy, everyone’s attracted to him, but I thought at time you were trying so hard to prove you’re straight you couldn’t have done something like that.”

“Wait…What do you mean by I was trying to prove I am straight?”

“You always went out with girls and bragged about banging them. You refused to have your hair long like Kame, fearing it’ll look too feminine…stuff like that. But you changed. Now your hair is really long. And we all know you were lying about sleeping with those girls, you were a virgin.” Ryo grinned, showing his perfectly white teeth. Jin could be such an idiot. In high school, he dated many girls but nothing lasted, he either got bored of them or they just found out he was not like what they imagined.

“Shut up, like you had anymore experience than me.” Ryo just shrugged. 

“So…If you know I didn’t do it, why did you just cut me off?” He addressed the question.

“He described everything in detail, he couldn’t have made it up himself. He explained how much it hurt and how you forced yourself upon him. He said you went in dry without any lube or condom, jesus. He trembled when he told us this. I could see there was no way he could fake it. You see, Yamap and Koki also sided with Kame, telling us to cut you off. I couldn’t do anything about that and had to agree because you weren’t with us anyway. It would complicate things if we believe you instead of Kame and still have to see him around regularly, get it?”

“…I understand.”

“Hey man, I’m sorry for not sticking up to you.” Ryo reached out to pat Jin’s back roughly. It felt nostalgic.

“No problem. You had your reasons, I just need to talk to others and especially Kame.”

“You didn’t know? Kame died six years ago.”

“I…don’t know.” Jin’s voice was dry. The thought, the possibility of Kame dying never crossed his mind. He had wanted to talk to Kame but now everything crashed down, he found it hard to breath. He could never see that radiant smile again. He could never touch that soft orange hair again. He remained silent, too shocked to utter any more words.

“Google his name. You’ll see the report on his case.”  
When Ryo saw that his friend still looked lost, he said,

“Kamenashi was murdered.”

.

Jin felt even older in the midst of college students walking around Chiba University campus. They all chatted happily, holding textbooks in their arms. He went straight to the Faculty of Physics and headed to room number 205. The plate in front of the door read “Nakamaru Yuichi.” He knocked the door once, but there was no reply. He thought maybe Yuichi headed out for lunch break. He could come back later. He was about to walk away when he bumped into Nakamaru. He was holding a banana and a sandwich. He gave a small, polite nod at Jin, who was still standing in front of his door.

“If you don’t mind…” He took out a key as Jin moved away from the door, allowing Nakamaru to unlock his room. Jin thought Nakamaru must not remember who he is. Nakamaru gave off a very mature air; he looked even more trimmed in a gray turtleneck with black frame glasses.

“Hey, it’s me.” Jin smiled and all the other could think was, why is this well-dressed, handsome, pretentious looking guy in front of his room. When Jin saw Nakamaru knotted his eyebrows, looking as confused as ever, he tried again.

“I’m Akanishi Jin. Your friend from high school.”

“Oh. Akanishi. It’s been such a long time. You look different.” He exclaimed and quickly pushed door for Jin to head in first.

“Really? How?” He grinned, seeing Nakamaru panicked at not being able to remember one of his closest friends.

“Somehow you look young? You don’t look like someone in their mid 30s. Would you like some coffee or tea?”

“Coffee would be great.” Nakamaru turned on the coffee machine and shoved off a bunch of papers and books from his desk.

“So, you didn’t go into engineering?” Nakamaru shook his head. He looked like he was living a peaceful, quiet life with his wife and no children.

“I found out engineering was not my thing and got interested in physics instead. I tutored during college and came to like it, so here I am, a physics professor at Chiba University.” The coffee was done and he poured it into a pink, girly looking cup.

“Love your cup.” Jin chuckled.

“It’s from my wife. She loves to buy all these girly things for me and I can’t refuse it. Milk and sugar?”

“No thanks.” He took a sip of the black steamy coffee. 

“No children?”

“No. We didn’t want one. What about you?”

Jin told him about his current girlfriend, Meisa, and how he wanted to marry her. He talked about his company and life in Tokyo. Nakmaru listened intently.

“Actually, I came here to talk about the reason you guys cut me off the group.” 

“I thought so. So you know about what happened to Kamenashi?” 

“Yes, just yesterday when I went to see Ryo.” 

“You went to see Ryo? That’s great. After you stopped seeing us, every one in the group weren’t as close as before. Even though Ryo and I live so close, we haven’t seen each other in four years, we grew up and things just aren’t the same anymore. There’s nothing for us to talk about.” As they grew up, they all changed, little by little, and the perfect chemistry they had as a group was gone. Maybe they could have tried to stick together more, but maybe in the end, the outcome could have been the same. It was impossible for six people to remained the same and maintained the same feelings and environment after so many years. It was a miracle they lasted happily through high school.

“The news about Kamenashi’s death…do you know anything more about that?” Jin asked, he took a sip of the coffee, which was already cold.

“Nothing. The police couldn’t catch the culprit. Kamenashi was alone in his apartment in Okinawa and someone strangled him. The body was found three days after the time of his death.” Nakamaru recited the event as if it had nothing to do with him, as if he was never friends with Kamenashi, yet, Jin had to remind himself that Nakamaru knew this six years ago, the event would not have affected him so much anymore.

“You guys could have told me, that way I could at least went to his funeral.” Jin’s voice quivered a little.

“I just…didn’t think about it I guess. We all assumed you could have known it one way or the other and thought it was too painful for you to come. Yamashita wasn’t there too.”

“Yamashita…Why?” 

“He was on a trip in Africa. No one could reach him at that time.” He wanted to ask why Yamashita was in Africa, but no words came out.

“He actually lived in New York City for eight years now. He was travelling a lot, it’s just something he likes doing.” Jin nodded, trying to absorb all these new information about his friend. Nakamaru started unwrapping his sandwich and Jin felt hungry again, even though he already had lunch not long ago.

“Before I leave, I just want you to know I didn’t rape Kamenashi.” He uttered, staring straight at Nakamaru, hoping to convey his sincerity.

“I know. It’s not in your character to do that. I’m sorry we had you take the blame. I think we all know you didn’t do it, but Kame’s story was so real, if not you, he really was raped by someone else. For whatever reason he decided to lie that it was you, the fact remains he was raped, and we had to prioritize his emotional trauma first.”

“Do you think…if I had asked then and we really talked about it, things could have been different now?”

“Maybe and may be not. Sometimes I think Kame really was destined to die early, he had something that was a bit different than all of us, something that was not compatible with this world.” Jin understood what Nakamaru meant. Kame was very sensitive. He always monitored others’ feelings and behaviors carefully and took the burden upon himself. He was the type to keep everything inside but encouraged other to do the opposite. He was a good listener. Jin knew that to him, Kame was special. Despite telling himself that he loved all his six friends equally, Kame had a special place in his heart. He refused to accept that and pushed that feeling deep inside. In a way, his dream of Kame might be the sign that he could never escape his true feelings.

Jin decided to attend one of Nakamaru’s lectures, just to see how his friend teaches. Although Jin understood nothing about physics, he found the class surprisingly interesting. The students were actively voicing their opinions and Nakamaru looked truly happy standing there. It reminded Jin of when he started writing music, when was the last time he smiled like that, he wondered.

.

It was not hard to find Koki at all. He had quite a high profile. Koki finished his fashion design course and became a designer. Through some research, he knew Koki lived at London for a year to learn more about fashion and dress making. He then launched his own clothes brand for men and women. The style was something Harajuku teenagers would wear, not Jin’s taste. Right now Koki is residing in his studio at Osaka, where Jin is on his way. 

Like the meeting with Ryo and Yuichi, Jin didn’t tell Koki about his visit before hand. When he arrived at the studio, Koki was not there, a guy who was there, introduced himself as Koki’s friend, told Jin he could find Koki in the gym a few blocks from there.

From afar, Jin couldn’t recognize Koki. It wasn’t until he saw Koki talking to another man that he recognized his voice and the way he talks. Koki had a slick black hair and a small beard. Jin remembered when Koki shaved his head, something everyone thought was really cool back then. He noticed that Koki also had numerous new tattoos, the first ones he and the other four went to tattoo parlor with Koki. They even joked about getting a matching group tattoo, good thing that didn’t happen. Koki was just done with using the treadmill and sat on a bench drinking Gatorade. Jin approached him carefully, of all five, he argued with Koki the most, so he was not sure if Koki would welcome him like the other two.

“Akanishi?” Koki spoke even before Jin had a chance to prepare and introduce himself first. Koki was always good at remembering people.

“In the flesh.”

“It’s good to see you, man.” Koki gave Jin a short hug and he broke into a small smile. He looks happy to see me, Jin thought. On closer inspection, Koki’s face seemed to age tremendously, he had a lot of wrinkles, he must have been smoking a lot too, not to mention, did some drugs. From appearance alone, Jin could see his friend was trying to regain his health.

“Want to go talk somewhere quieter? There’s a rooftop here.” Koki suggested and Jin nodded in agreement.

.

It was in October and the weather was just nice. There was no one else at the rooftop, just the two of them. Koki took out a pack of Marlboro red and offered him one. Jin accepted the cigarette; he tried quitting many times, but never really got out of it.

“So you came all the way to Osaka to see me, huh?” Koki took a long drag from his cigarette. Jin nodded. 

“Somehow I just don’t have the image of you staying in Osaka.” Koki would be suited for Shibuya, he thought. The way Koki dressed, he could fit there perfectly.

“I don’t really live anywhere. I have apartments in Tokyo, Kyoto, Hokkaido, and London, and of course a house in Chiba, but right now I’m working on this new collection and I can focus more here. When I finish, I think I’m going to stay in Hokkaido for a while.”

“That’s nice. Do you live alone? I met your friend when I was over at your studio today.”

“I do. That’s my assistant. You know, I married when I was 28, and got divorced three months into marriage. I’m just not suited for something like that I guess.” Koki grinned. Jin could see the wrinkles on his face more clearly and it made Koki’s face looked kinder. Despite his gangster, tough appearance, he knew Koki was a considerate, caring person at heart.

“So Akanishi Jin, the number one playboy at school, what’s up with your life?”

“Nothing much really. I haven’t married and I’m just taking it easy overseeing my record label company.”

“I have always you thought you’d be the first to get married. And building your own company? Now that’s unexpected.”

“Who would have thought the two most stupid trouble making idiots in the group end up being successful making something of their own.” Jin smiled and Koki’s face beamed. They gave each other a high five.

“You know, after we all went our separate ways, I didn’t really talk to anyone, but I went to see Kame five months before his death.” Jin almost stopped breathing. Koki went to see Kame. There could have been something he knew more than the others.

“I don’t know if you know this but after Kame graduated from college majoring in communication arts, he got a job as a host for TV sports news program in baseball segment. Even if he couldn’t play anymore, that was still his passion, he really was happy meeting all those baseball players. I thought everything was going well, but he just decided to leave Chiba and went to Okinawa alone.”

“Why Okinawa?”

“I don’t know. Maybe Yamashita would know since he had been the closest to Kame after you left the group. When I asked Kame what he’d do there and what about his career that he loved so much, he said he got a job as a baseball commentator there. Still, I don’t get why he’d abandon this job and move all the way to Okinawa.”

“Yeah, that’s not like the Kamenashi I knew. He’d be more careful planning his future.”

“So after Kame moved there, I completely lost contact with him. He changed his phone number and I didn’t know his address. It wasn’t until I had a business trip to Okinawa that I decided to see him. I asked for his address from his brother.” By this time, Koki lighted another cigarette. They sky started to turn cloudy. Jin thought he should have brought an umbrella.

“We met at a café. Jin, the moment I talked to him, I realized he wasn’t the Kame I knew. People change but for Kame, it’s not that same natural change. I just felt like he lost something crucial to his being. In high school, Kame was cheerful and there was that spark in him, but it disappeared. He became lifeless. We didn’t talk long, all I knew was the he lived alone. He wasn’t dating anyone and seemed to have taken an interest in photography. To tell you the truth, when I heard the news of his death, I was not that shock. To me, he was dead since that day I met him in Okinawa.”

“So Kame didn’t talk about anyone that could have been the killer?”

“No. From the impression I got, he was really alone. I think, this is just my feeling but, Kame had wish for his death.”

Jin tried to imagine a grown up Kame living alone in his apartment in Okinawa. Kame’s pale neck strangled, his body lying there. From the police report, there was no robbery or assault, someone just simply slipped in and strangled him, there was no sign of resistance either. The half smoked cigarettes that fell on the ground were Kame’s. Jin remembered Kame never smoked when all the other did. He was really uptight about that, always lecturing Jin about how bad it was. It was hard to imagine Kame smoking now.

“Hey, you don’t need to explain yourself about that, the rape, I mean. I know it wasn’t you.”

“But it was necessary for me to stop seeing you guys, for Kame’s sake, right?”

“Sorry, man.” Koki nodded.

“I went to see Ryo and Yuichi the other day.”

“How are they doing?”

“Good. I will go to see Yamap later too.”

“In New York City? I think that would make him really happy. You know, when you see him, you should stop calling him that nickname too. He hates it now.”

Jin went silent. He was the one who gave Yamap that name. 

“There’s something I never told anyone, but since I won’t see you again, I just want to get it out.” Koki spoke, but he didn’t make eye contac with Jin. He just stared up at the sky.

“I’m all ears.”

“I’m bisexual. I had a crush on Kame back then, maybe you had noticed, Yamashita definitely did, he is smarter than you.” Koki chuckled. 

“I didn’t know that.” Or maybe he did but tried to avoid it. It became even more apparent to Jin that he likes Kame. He kept dreaming about Kame, about having sex with him, and ignored Koki’s attraction to Kame. It could also explain why he didn’t get along with Koki that well. Jin remembered how he would get irritated when he saw Kame and Koki get touchy with each other. Jin wondered what Koki would say if he told his friend about the weird dreams he’s been having about Kame. He knew, however, that this is a secret best not share with anyone.

“Anyway, I kept it to myself because it could ruin our friendship and the group’s chemistry. Besides, I already know it was unrequited.”

“He likes someone else?”

“You. He loves you, Jin. You’re such an idiot, you didn’t realize that?”

“No…I didn’t even think that Kame was gay.” At that time, he really never thought for a second that Kame was attracted to him. 

“You really live up to your nickname, Bakanishi.” Koki gave a hearty laugh. 

.

Jin was back in Tokyo and he had told Meisa about taking a trip to New York City to see Yamap. He must remind himself not to use that name in front of his ex best friend. He thought about seeing Meisa before he went on a trip, but decided against it and stopped at a shopping mall to buy some new clothes. There, he saw Meisa, but she didn’t notice him. She was walking hand in hand with another man. Meisa talked to him enthusiastically, she was beaming with happiness that much Jin could see. However, he didn’t feel jealous or angry at all. He felt like it was only normal for her to find another man since he could never make her as happy as she looks now. The fact that he didn’t feel any jealously though might meant he didn’t really love her. He likes her, but maybe not enough. The only time he could recall feeling jealous was when Koki and Kame were paired together on a school trip. The two of them went out for the whole day and came back with matching turtle key chains, happily filling the rest of the group about what they did. Later, Jin secretly sought the shop they went and bought one.

That was what jealousy means. This time he felt a little hurt. It was natural, he concluded. They have been dating for two years, to feel hurt that she was also seeing someone else meant Jin likes her to an extend. He watched Meisa and the other man disappeared in the crowded mall.

.

Since he heard from Yuichi that Yamap travels a lot, going there unexpected means a high chance of not seeing his friend. Still, if that’s what happens, he will accept it. In the end, he went to see Yamap at his apartment in Manhattan. 

“Hello?” Yamap said from the intercom in a perfect English pronunciation.

“Hi. It’s Jin.” The voice went silent from the other end. He was afraid Yamap would just ignore him and said again, this time louder,

“It’s Akanishi Jin. Is this a good time?” More silence and then the door opened,

“Yeah, sure. Sorry, it’s just so sudden.”

.

Jin knocked on the door and Yamap opened it, his face lack of any expression. Maybe he was still in shock to see Jin here, he concluded.

“Come in.” Jin stepped in and observed the room. It was a prestige apartment with a beautiful view of New York City. The television was turned on and a kid was on the sofa watching some cartoon. Yamap walked over to the kid and took his hand,

“Come on, dad’s got someone over, so stay in your room for a while, okay?”

“But it’s just getting good. The hero is going to-”

“Kazuya. I’ll record the show so you can watch later. Is that good?”

The kid nodded his head and smiled. He took a quick look at Jin who still stood in the middle of the living room, not sure where he should be, and grinned at him too. Jin couldn’t help but smiled back at him. Kazuya. Jin felt a lump stuck in his throat. That name…why would Yamap named his child after Kame?

“Sorry about that. He’s my son, Kazuya.” As soon as his son left the room, Yamap stopped smiling. He turned to Jin and sat on the chair at dining table. Jin saw that as a sign they were going to talk here, so he sat himself down too. 

“Why that name?” He didn’t mean to ask that right away, but it was too late now. The expression on Yamap’s face didn’t change, however.

“Kame was the most important person to me, even though he died, I still feel like he’s here, in this world. I want him to live on. Do you want something to drink? Coffee or tea?”

“Coffee’s fine.”  
He stood up and rolled his sleeves, then went to pour some from the coffee machine. Jin murmured a thank you. Yamap already had another cup for himself. He hadn’t changed much, Jin thought. He still had that same charm, only his face seemed to become thinner and his skin got more tan. He has a curly brown hair and a long sleeve sweater with long pants. It seemed like he just got back from somewhere. All around the room were souvenirs from many places and photographs of him in different countries.

“What brings you here? Don’t tell me you’re just here to see me.” Yamap chuckled. Jin smiled,

“Exactly.”

“Wait, for real?”

“Yep.”

“I…don’t know where to start. I never thought I’d see you again.” Yamap seemed to relax more. He stopped putting on that blank expression when Jin first stepped into the room. 

“Well, I would really like to hear about your life, up until now.”

“Where should I start? After I graduated with a business administration degree I worked in advertising agency. I worked my way to Executive director in Japan branch. They wanted to transfer me here for half a year and I already took some English lessons then. I found out I actually really like it here so I decided to work here since then. Not to mention, I needed to get away from everything in Chiba. When I was studying English, I started dating my teacher, Erika. She was born in America and she planned to go back to work there, so everything worked. We got married in Chiba. After Kazuya was born for a few years things went smoothly, but the love we had just wasn’t there anymore. I found out she cheated on me. We got a divorce and we are still on friendly terms. We both take care of Kazuya, but most of the time he stays with me since Erika remarried and had 2 more kids. She has her hands full. I didn’t mind it though. Spending time with Kazuya is my most happiest time nowadays.”

“He seems like a good kid.”

“He is.”

Jin told him about what his life’s like and about Meisa.

“So she’s the one who told you to talk to all of us?”

“Yes.”

“Do you love her?”

“I’m not sure. I like her and I want to marry her, but…” He didn’t know why he was still hesitating.

“You should treasure her, it’s hard to find someone like that again in your life.”

“You might be right.”

“Jin, all this time I felt guilty, towards Kame, and towards you.”

“What do you mean?”

“When Kame lied that you raped him, I knew right away it wasn’t you, but I convinced the others to believe him and kick you out of the group.”

“Why?”

“I always convinced myself that it was for Kame. At that time, the only thing I could do was to believe him. He was truly traumatized by that rape. If I didn’t believe him, I believe he would really die then. Even after you stopped seeing us, Kame’s condition got worse. He couldn’t eat anything, he became anorexic and his insomnia got worse. He weights 37 kg, Jin. I had to take care of him; he was on the verge of dying. It got so much worse that I postponed a year of college to take care of Kame. I didn’t mind doing it; of course, he’s my closest friend. But Kame, he changed. When all six of us were together, I knew Kame likes me, just like he likes everyone else, but when I was taking care of him, he had lost all his interest in me. I felt like he didn’t care whether I was there or not at all.”

“If only you told me, I would have helped…”

“I thought you hate us, for deciding that you raped him and told you not to contact us again. There was no way I could ask you to help take care of Kame. Besides, that decision was of my own selfishness.”

“Yamap, you did everything you could for him.” Jin sensed Yamap’s subtle change in his face when he mentioned that nickname.

“Please call me Yamashita, I don’t like that name anymore.”

“I-sorry. Yamashita.” He gave Jin a small smile and continued,

“It was selfish of me because I wanted Kame all to myself. I love him and I push you away because I knew he loves you. In the end I couldn’t save him. The more I was beside him; the more he wanted me away. I couldn’t stand it anymore so I left Chiba and Kame. I’m sorry. Maybe if the two of you had a chance to stay together thing could have been different. Maybe you two would be good for each other.”

“There’s no use about that now. Kame’s dead, and here we are. Do you know why Kame chose me as the one who raped him? Why me?”

“The only reason I could come up with is because he loves you. There was something seriously wrong with him mentally. I think blaming you for that rape is the mechanism.” 

“So about his death, do you know anything more than the news coverage? The police report?” Yamap shook his head. 

“We had stopped talking to each other then. I had no idea who could have killed Kame. It could be someone he met in Okinawa, but from the report, they couldn’t find any suspects. He pretty much led a quiet life with hardly any friends.” Yamap poured more coffee from the pot. 

Jin thought about his dreams of Kame. He knew then that he loves Kame and he wants to have sex, no—to make love to Kame. However, why did he always dream of raping Kame? The even more disturbing fact was that the most frequent dream that occurred was about him raping Kame as he was strangling him. The detail of Kame’s hitched breathing, of him licking the salty tears of Kame’s soft cheeks, of him coming inside Kame, and of the red blood splattered all over the white sheet, were vivid in his mind. He watched Kame’s attractive face twitched as he struggle to breathe until he lay lifeless on the bed, underneath him. Even after the smaller man stopped breathing, Jin still entered him again and again. Sometimes the dream would consume him so much that he couldn’t get hard with a girl. The dream only stopped when he started having serious relationship, and especially when he was dating Meisa. He hasn’t had those dreams for years now. Still, he couldn’t shake off the feeling that he killed Kame, in one way or another.

“Maybe I killed him.” He confessed to Yamap, not really sure how the other man would take this. Still, he needed to tell someone. Yamap’s reaction, however, was surprisingly calm.

“Maybe you did. Maybe I did too, even though we didn’t physically do it. A part of Kame died gradually, he was with me physically but his mind was somewhere else.” He stated, unperturbed with Jin’s sudden confession.

“Maybe, but I think deep down I wanted to kill him, and I might have done it unconsciously or in my dreams.” Jin knew he wanted Kame to love him and he wanted to touch Kame so much that maybe that desire turned into something malicious. He couldn’t have Kame and he killed Kame in his dreams but somehow it became reality.

“Hey, we all have a guilt we have to live with. I’m just really glad we’ve talked it out, even though it took us more than ten years to do it.”

“Me too.”  
They both smiled at each other. It was reconciliation. They could never become as close to each other as before, but at least they could clear up the misunderstandings and be honest. Yamap’s phone vibrated and he took at look at it. It was a text message. He looked back at Jin,

“I’m sorry but I got to go to my office. Something’s coming up.” 

“No problem. I’ll be on my way then.” Jin got up from the chair.

“Are you flying back today?”

“Yes.”

“Have a safe flight.”

“Thanks.” Yamap opened the door for him and they gave each other a long hug. Even though they didn’t say anything more they understood through the silence and the hug that whatever they did in the past, it was all forgiven and Kame’s death will forever hang on to them.

.

Back in Tokyo Jin decided then that he needed Meisa, her presence had made him forget all about his past, about Kame, and he was happy with her. This is enough, he thought. He called Meisa to meet with her that evening. 

It was nothing grand, they met at a casual restaurant and he told her about the trip he took to meet his friends. He explained to her how Kame accused him of rape and that was the reason they all didn’t want anything to do with him. Then he asked her about that guy he saw her with, the day before his departure to New York City. She answered honestly; that she was seeing that man too, because she sometimes felt Jin wasn’t entirely with her. She said she would stop seeing him because after this trip Jin had changed. He himself knew what she meant. He was more at peace with himself. He could see it, them living together with children in a big house. They’d all do things like going to Disneyland as a family and take a trip to the beach together. 

.

Two men were sitting at a bar. There was hardly anyone else there. One of them wore black-framed glasses and an argyle sweater, looking entirely out of place in this dimmed bar. The other wore T-shirt and jeans. The man only seemed to sprout swear words to the other while laughing wickedly. 

“Stop it, Ryo. These are perfectly warm and cozy and my wife knitted them for me.” Yuichi almost screamed for the other to stop.

“Dude, chill.” The other man replied, gulping down his beer. As they were talking, another man appeared from the door. 

“Yo, Koki.” Ryo greeted.

“Hello.” Yuichi chimed in.

“Hey guys,” The new man smiled at them and settled down at the bar too. They all ordered one round of shot.

“To renewed friendship.” Yuichi announced as they all hold their shot glasses.

“Hell, to my awesomeness.” Ryo interrupted with a wide grin.

“No, to my awesomeness.” Koki shouted. The two started a new fight over who’s more awesome and Yuichi had to intervene,

“To Kame.” The two went silent and brought up their vodka filled shot glasses again.

“To Kame.” They all repeated and drowned the liquid.

.

Jin was on a trip with Meisa to Okinawa for their first marriage anniversary, when she had a premature labor. The baby was supposed to due a month later. They went to the hospital and a baby boy was born on February 23rd. Coincidentally that was also Kame’s birthday. He was happy, holding his baby in his arms with his lovely wife. Still, he hoped there was an alternate reality where he would be waking up with Kazuya everyday.

.


End file.
